Monday, 10 April 2017

An Overwhelming Happiness, An Overwhelming Soft Sadness...

Jacket - Oxfam (originally asos)
Top - Vulgar
Jeans - Topshop
Sandals - Primark






I haven't been doing so well lately.

There's a lot, a lot, going on in my life at the moment, both good and bad. I feel like I've just noticed how much my life is splitting directly down the middle of overwhelming success and happiness, and overwhelming emotions of loneliness and a soft kind of sadness that sits in the pit of my stomach.

I've been hit suddenly with a realisation that I'm being successful, I'm achieving life-long dreams, ticking things off my list with an alarming rate. I'm about to release my first book, I got the job of fashion editor at my uni's branch of The Tab, I've had more work published than ever, Kiloran has more readers than ever, I've had a monologue I wrote be used in a film, I've had people telling me I inspire them and my work has helped them. I'm also getting good grades at uni, keeping up with my friendships, working on myself. There's so much good, a crazy amount of good. I feel like I'm glowing at the moment, living in a little iridescent bubble of mild-disbelief and total thankfulness that finally things are starting to take off more.

I used to be so scared of growing up as I was so scared of achieving nothing, leaving nothing behind but a to-do list undone. But in the last month or so of my 18th year, I feel the fear beginning to slip away a little, its shadow filled with a fire-burning motivation. I want to sprint forward and do everything. And in that sense, I'm outrageously happy and endlessly proud of myself. I love the woman I'm becoming, I hope I grow into her more and more.

Yet at the same thing, there's a weight on me. Like I said, a lot is going on, much of which I won't go into. I think in general I'm a very over-effected person, maybe over-emotional. And right now, I feel the soft sadness of things coming to an end with no way of stopping it, maybe more of a dread than a sadness. It been lingering for a couple weeks, clouding over all the happiness and I've been struggling to shake it, walking round like a ghost or like someone who's just had their teeth removed and the numbness is leaving them.

Since coming home from uni, I'd seen no one but my family. I felt lonely, missing all the amazing friends and incredible women that bless my life in Sheffield, but I was doing nothing to help it. UNTIL, yesterday I saw my friend Samara. (here comes the moral)

When you're sad, it's easy to forget how beautiful people are, and how dramatically compelling conversation and company can lift you. We sat for hours catching up on life, sharing our pains and joys of the past months. And once that was out of the way, we moved to art. We talked about films, shared our work and our successes, laughed about our contradicting opinions, merged our passions when our opinions aligned. I went home with the clouds lifted just enough to remind me of the fire. I went home wanting to write a film, write a play, write anything, do anything. It's weird to say that 4 hours with another person got me feeling like myself again, but it did.

Company is vital, it's necessary. But compelling company, friends who not only support you but inspire you and drive you to act positively and creatively (if that's what you do) are magical, they're renewing. By the end of it all, your sadness may not be permanently pulled from you, but you'll smile for a photo and the smile won't be fake.

Text your friends now and plan something. Go get a drink and talk about things higher than your daily life and gossip.

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